Resolution Solutions

Have you already broken your resolution to eat better, exercise more and pay more attention to your wife/partner/kids/dog/favorite football team? Confess your early year sins and let Elizabeth help you find the way to get you back on track. The year is young. Grow some resolve.

A Few Tips to Survive the Holidays

We wanted to know how to avoid the annual family battle that is as much a part of the holidays as turkey, cranberry sauce and gin & tonics served in a pint glass. So, we asked Elizabeth. This is what she said:

Top Five Six Tips for Surviving the Holidays:

1. Go on a vacation instead of going to a family gathering.
2. Make sure you have enough of the chemical of choice available.
3. No matter how much your parents treat you like a child, remember you are a grown up (or at least ought to be). If it’s her parents that treat you like a child…smile and remember it’s only for 3 hours (or three days).
4. Don’t be attached to outcome. Sure we all want things to go a certain way…not attaching to outcome is one of the rules of life that will make many things (probably all) better.
5. Your wife gets anxious being around the parents…keep in mind that being irritated or pissed off about this will not make it go away. You are likely pissed because you can’t fix it (all men prefer to fix things) take a deep breath yourself and just let her be anxious. If she’s taking that anxiety out on you….well, that’s another show.
6. If traditionally it goes badly or gets weird, agree with your partner ahead of time about an exit strategy. Mom might be mad if you go to someone else’s for pie later…have a piece of her pie and then say you need to leave early.

Seems to me that maybe numbers one and two are truly key. Better yet - go on vacation WITH your chemical of choice.

Porn, Parenting Styles, Money

Is there such a thing as surfing too much porn? How do you cope with different parenting styles? Why is money the root of all relationship evil? You asked about these issues and more. Elizabeth has answered. And, be sure to listen to Dad on Fire 12 to hear an amazing interview with Elizabeth and audience member Carey.

Dear Elizabeth:
My wife and I have been married for about 10 years. We have three kids, ages 4, 6 and 8. I have a great job, make decent money and, for the most part, we get along great. But, we still fight about one and only one thing - money. How do we ever get over that? - Stanford, Age 42, Houston, TX

Money is often a metaphor for something else in the relationship. It’s most often about safety or about power/control. For many people having enough money means they are safe and I don’t mean just from debt. It is a representation of security so hanging on to it is like hanging on to the railing when something is scary. The part that is about power or control isn’t about power over or control of the other. It’s more about feeling like having enough money and being able to spend enough money feels like you have power or control over your own life. This is a simple answer and there are situations when there are bigger issues or even pathology involved but if you can talk more about what it means to you when one person spends or doesn’t allow the other to spend, you might get further. If money continues to be a problem even after trying on your own to resolve it, it might be worth talking to someone about what else it’s about.

Dear Elizabeth:
I love my wife. We actually still have a great sex life after 8 years together, which includes two kids. Despite this, she asked me last week about having an open relationship. Seems she wants to sleep with other men from time to time. On one hand, I kind of respect that she told me before doing it. On the other hand…well, you know. What the f*ck? - Jack, Age 33, Madison, WI

This is a complicated question because it could mean so many things. More history would certainly make an answer more applicable to you specifically. That said, you are right, it says something positive about your relationship and your wife that she brought it up first. I’m assuming since you asked the question, you are not interested in a more open sexual arrangement. Try by asking her her to give you more information about why she wants this. She might be lonely or bored. She might be wanting excitement. She might be angry. If her history before your getting married was that she had many sexual partners, she might be feeling some of the old interest/need for different and variety. The important thing is to try not to get threatened, angry or defensive. That sounds impossible, but look at it this way, she cares enough about you and the relationship to talk to you about it. Talk more. Ask for her thoughts and feelings and share yours. Even if there is no way you are going to be ok with her having sex with someone else, put that aside for now and see if you can get more information from her. You don’t have to something you are uncomfortable with just because you ask for more info. You both, together, might come up with a workable solution.

Dear Elizabeth:
Is there such a thing as too much porn surfing? - Fred, Age 29, Los Angeles, CA

Fred, if you asked this question because you are wondering if you are doing it too much, you likely might be. If you are asking because your wife accuses you of it, that is a different situation. Watching porn isn’t the EVIL that it’s portrayed to be. The short answer is yes, there can be too much porn surfing. If you are surfing porn instead of doing your job or having a relationship with your partner, that is a problem. If you are using porn to get off instead of having sex with your partner that is a problem. Some women are threatened by porn because it makes them feel inadequate. Porn is visual stimulation, men like that. Some women do as well, but generally women aren’t quite as visual in their stimulation response. I’m moving off your question Fred, but if both partners can see porn as foreplay then sometimes it can be very useful.

Dear Elizabeth:
My wife and I have completely different parenting styles and it seems as if her way goes more often than not. She’s all for coddling, and I’m more of the disciplinarian. How can we find some middle ground? We’ve tried, but can’t seem to get it right. I think we’re confusing our kids.” Steve G. San Diego, CA

First of all, different parenting styles do not confuse children, unless they are different parenting styles/expectations from the same parent. Life is full if different information, sometimes even from the same source, it’s good to learn how to deal with it. The MOST important thing is to never undermined the other. Which means it requires a lot of trust and patience on each of your parts. If you disagree about what is done, the parent who gave the answer or agreed to something has to be the one you go with. Then later, you have to discuss how to do it differently. One of the ways to deal with that is if there is any question to be answered or limit to be set, then say “you know that mom and I need to talk this through first” That may seem like a lot of work, but in the long run, it will save you time and hassle. Also, children don’t want to have to wait, but it’s good for them to learn to wait. As a therapist this is a complicated question because I have seen the consequences of not enough limits and children not being held accountable. We really give our children more freedom than they can developmentally handle. Basically a child should not be in control. A child will try to be in control because they are testing to see where the limits are. Children require limits to learn anxiety control. I am not saying that love and nurturing and soothing isn’t important, it is. However, realistic expectations that are presented at a child’s level set it up so the child can succeed and stretch, but not be so outside of their comfort zone so as to be reactive and develop less than desirable coping skills.

If you have your own questions for Elizabeth send her an email at askelizabeth@dadsonfire.com to get an answer to your question.