An Open Letter to Holiday Drivers

First, let me say that I know the holidays are stressful. Beyond the obvious anxiety that comes with the financial burden of getting gifts for friends, family and people you hardly know or like (co-workers), there are issues of travel, meeting end-of-year numbers (if applicable), going to endless holiday parties (many of which are attended by said people you hardly know or like) and, of course, the many emotions that accompany this time of year. So, you’re stressed. I get it. We all are.

It’s with this understanding and sympathy that I offer the following suggestion: Learn how to f***ing drive. I’m not talking about driving on the freeways or highways (whatever they’re called in your parts), but instead am specifically referencing the mall/shopping center parking lot.

I spend a great deal of time in shopping centers, as the local Starbucks and bookstores rotate as my “office.” That’s where the wireless is; that’s where I am. Consider me a local. I’m there every single day. During this holiday time – you’re taking my parking space. You’re interrupting my workday. And, you’re generally causing problems.

So, a few tips:

Parking: For starters, please don’t park your Hummers in the compact spaces. I have both a small car and an SUV (though a small SUV) and I don’t park the SUV in the tiny spaces. Not only do you risk getting your own car scratched – you risk scratching mine. And, during the holidays, when we have our arms loaded with packages, it’s a royal pain in the ass to not be able to get into our cars. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t have ANY problem with big ol’ gas guzzling SUVs. I just have a problem with how most of the owners of said SUVs park.

Waiting: We’ve all be in those long lines of stopped cars as the first car in the cue waits for another pull into a soon-to-be-vacated space. We all hate being in that line and are envious of the dude that found the spot. So, there’s really no reason to honk, throw your hands up in frustration or pound the steering wheel. Your space isn’t going to open any faster. And, don’t drive around the line and make everyone wait longer as you either, A) cause an accident or B) force the car backing out of the space to wait for you to pass.

Leaving a space: This is the mother-of-all parking faux pas. It’s a bad one anytime, but is particularly bad during the holidays. When you walk back to your car, load up the packages, climb into the front seat and start your engine – for the love of God…LEAVE! If one more freaking person gets in his/her (sorry, but mostly her in my experience) car and just sits there while a line of cars waits (with horns-a-honking), I reserve the right to key her hood with the words, “I was a bad holiday parking lot driver.” (Most likely to an ovation of flashing lights and applause.)

This last one really is the equivalent of a capital offense. Every driver is on edge. Patience tested in every which way. We finally feel like there’s a spot available and this woman (with some kind of hair-helmet and usually driving a white Camry, low-end Lexus or the like) decides this is the time to get on the phone. Are you kidding me?

I can almost forgive the big SUV parking a*hole (after all, I can just put the packages in the back) and the idiots in the cue (that’s just impatience getting the best of us), but sitting in your idling car as hundreds of cars vie for your spot is inexcusable. Anyone who does this should have their parking privileges revoked and maybe even driver’s license suspended.

And…don’t even get me started when all of this is going on with the kid in the car.

For Some, Marriage Kills. And Others?

Believe it or not - marriage saved a Jackson, Mississippi man’s life. We’ll, maybe not the marriage (that remains to be seen), but his ring, at least. Donnie Register was shot while his store was being robbed. Apparently, summoning all of his “Wonder Woman” powers, the man used his wedding ring to deflect a bullet that was flying toward his head and most certainly would have killed him.

The story, which has been discussed and posted on blogs all over the Web, seems to have a happy ending. But, nobody has bothered to find out if Mr. Register is happy to still be alive and married. We’ll assume he is. We’re just saying…

By the way - according to another site, titanium is the best ring to be deflecting bullets. So, if you’re married and feel there’s a good chance you might get shot, think about a titanium ring.

Holiday Insanity Begins

Thanksgiving is over, but the madness is just beginning. The month-long hangover that comes with closing deals at the end of the year, shopping, holiday parties and, of course, family time is upon us. I’m not a big fan, frankly. I hate trying to figure out what gifts to get for people, and feel even more uncomfortable telling people what I want (when asked).  (I’ll usually go with, “Nothing, I’m good.”)

This time of year is actually a big opportunity to review the last year and try to figure out how to do the next year better. At least, that’s how I view these final weeks of the year. From jobs to money to family and more - there’s always that chance to do it better, I think. If you had to change anything - what would it be? I’m not talking resolutions. I’m talking changes.

The Business Trip

On the heels of the “boys trip,” I’m off on a business trip. To Venezuela. For three days. Yes, it is insane to go to Venezuela for three days. The total travel time for this trip is something like 34 hours - and I’m only going to be there for 72. Nutty.

I’m not a huge fan of the business trip. Although the business trip is just that - business - there seems to sometimes be this sense of, “you were out having fun” upon the return home. And usually when you return home, the rest of the family is burnt (and understandably so). You’re tired from the trip, your wife/partner/whomever is tired from having the exclusive childcare burden and both of you just want a break.

Frankly, I don’t know how people survive that have the traveling kind of jobs. They must have a very different dynamic than the one my close circle has. Do you travel a lot for biz? How do you do deal with it?

Notes from a Weekend with the Boys

We’re two rounds of golf and halfway through the weekend with the boys. Three of us are dads, the other has a serious girlfriend. Needless to say, it’s the usual. We’re not talking about anything of any sort of substance. It’s boys being boys. It’s a ton of trash talking. The extent of anything serious goes like this:

“You good?”
“Yeah.”
“Work?”
“Yeah.”
“Kid good.”
“Yeah.”
“How’s (insert significant other’s name here)?”
“Yeah.”

And that’s how it goes. One more round of golf. One great steak dinner. Maybe a trip to the “ballet.”

The best part of the weekend? No Blackberry’s allowed on the golf course. We’ve made that pact. No checking messages. No checking emails. Just golf. Boys will be boys.

The Ultimate Myth: “Life Balance”

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s actually impossible to balance it all. Between work, parenting, health, partnerships, hobbies, dreams and whatever else we all have to juggle, something MUST get lost in the shuffle.

Most recently, as I miss nearly entire days of my kid’s life, I’ve been working my ass off. Between the full-time job and the other full-time job (which includes producing the blogs, podcasts and events), I find myself working from the crack of dawn to midnight (and only then go to sleep because I force myself).

When I work this hard, my fitness takes a hit (which cause more than just the “balance” scales to tip). And, during those times when I am home more often, working out more, but working less…the finances take a hit (or at least more than normal). So, why fight it? Balance is a myth. I think we’re always out of balance - which life elements get most skewed changes…but the imbalance never does.

Uh oh…the Nanny’s Pissed!

Finding the right babysitter, nanny, caretaker or whatever for the kid(s) is a tiring exercise that can take days, weeks or months. So, when we do finally find the right one - we tend to walk on eggshells in an effort not to piss her (or him, I ’spose) off. In fact, there are times when we probably take extra precautions to make sure the nanny is okay - before our spouse (whether or not she’s hot!).

Tonight, though, I think we pissed off our nanny. We both got home later than expected. And although I called to let her know we were running late, we were still later than expected. There’s a slight language barrier that makes it difficult for me to know just how pissed she is. I guess we’ll find out on Monday when she shows up. We hope.