Matthew McConaughey Knocks Up G’Friend

Hunky stud Matthew McConaughey and his hottie girlfriend are expecting a future naked drum circle participant. His girlfriend, Camila Alvez, is three months preggers with the little bambino. I know it’s perhaps a little strange to think - “Wow, this kid is gonna be gorgeous,” but holy crap! Can you even imagine?

McConaughey is one of those dudes that is beloved by all. I imagine he’s gonna be a great dad. Like Tom Cruise? Can’t imagine he’s really all that great of a dad. Can’t imagine he’s too involved in anything other than spoon-feeding Scientology to Suri. McConaughey, though, will have his kid on motorcycle safaris from birth (and he/she will never wear deodorant).

I’m guessing this kid is gonna have some kind of trend setting name too.

Worst. Movie. Ever.

I love the Coen Brothers. The Big Lebowski. The Man Who Wasn’t There. Fargo. Hudsucker Proxy. O’ Brother Where Art There. Raising Arizona. These are classics. But, their latest movie, No Country for Old Men sucks ass. I want my money back, but the two hours of time I wasted sitting through the thing. Oh, and I’m thinking of suing all the critics that raved about it.

I thought I was going to see a suspenseful film with a surprise ending. Instead, my wife and I wasted our night out on a bloody stupid film that was simply a drug deal gone wrong. The critics, though, they rave about the true meaning of the film. They go on and on about the symbolism of the “non-ending” ending that represents the fact that there are no clean endings in life. Oh blow me. If you have to look that deeply for meaning…there isn’t any.

This movie is a pile of crap and I got trapped under it.

Readers on Your List? Buy the Book.

Not my book. Well, that too. But, I’m talking about: The Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible (Simon & Schuster, 2007) by A.J. Jacobs. The book is outselling the freaking Bible on Amazon. Is there any better endorsement than that?

The book is a thought-provoking, funny, reverent, irreverent memoir that follows A.J.’s yearlong journey to live by the rules and regulations set forth by the Bible. He stoned an adulterer, out-Bible talked a Jehovah’s Witness (actually inviting said witness into his home!), wore flowing white robes, grew his beard long enough to join ZZ Top and carried his own chair around with him.

Oh, and he’s married. And a dad. Yes, his wife agreed to stay married to a guy who basically went psycho for a year. (Even if it were a controlled psycho. His wife rules.)

The Year of Living Biblically is a great read. It’s truly entertaining and if you have any interest in religion (at all) - it will be especially compelling. (Though interest in religion is not a pre-requisite by any means.) And, if you’re Jewish (of any kind) - you MUST have this book.

Husband Keeps Lottery Winnings a Secret

Can you imagine winning the lottery, but not telling your wife? This dude in Florida did just that. He was part of a group from American Airlines that won $10.2 million. After opting for the lump sum payment, he and his coworkers each took $600K before taxes.

She’s suing for her share of the money. Unfortunately for her…nobody can find the guy. As soon as she confronted him - he flew the coop. He’s in the wind. MIA. Gone. I hope he’s left Miami, cuz that $450K (or whatever it is after taxes) isn’t gonna go very far down there.

On the one hand, I feel badly for the Mrs. She’s been with this guy since 2000 (married in 2005). And on the other hand - you kind of have to admire the dude. He may be a freakin’ idiot, but he must have huge cajones. (Of course, if she has her way - she’s gonna take one of them. That would be half.)

Oregon Teacher Can’t Bring Gun to School

A teacher in Oregon won’t be bringing her gun to school. The teacher, who claims she’s afraid of her ex-husband, went to court to earn the right to bring the gun for protection. But, in this age of school shootings and horrific scenes of violence, the teacher was denied. Hopefully, this won’t end badly for the teacher.

More Freakin’ Recalls

How freakin’ hard is it to make a toy that doesn’t have lead-based paint, magnets that rip out intestines, or might be a major choking hazard? For the love of God! Mattel has added yet more toys to its ever-growing recall list - this time for small parts that apparently, maybe just might have the slightest bit of potential to, oh, I don’t know…kill your kid.

According to the story, “the company has received 48 reports of small parts separating from these toys, which feature a sink, a refrigerator and a range. One child choked on a detached piece and needed the Heimlich maneuver performed to remove the part. One child started to choke and two children had pieces in their mouths and gagged.”

The recall involves 155,000 toys sold in the United States. The good news is that China can breathe a big sigh of relief as the toys were made in Mexico.

Virginia Judge Removed from Bench after Custody Hearing

Seems that despite Virginia being the state where Michael Vick was allowed to run rampant - a hint of reason is still to be found. A judge in in Richmond, Virginia, has had his robe taken away for flipping a coin to decide a custody hearing. This, on the heels of asking the mother in the dispute to drop trou in order to inspect alleged stab wounds on her leg…twice.

The judge, the less-than-honorable Michael Shull, had previously been admonished in 2004 for referring to a teenager who appeared before him as a “wuss” and “momm’s boy.” He also told a woman that she should marry her abusive boyfriend.

The state of Virginia acted more Virginia-like at that time and merely admonished the judge with a warning to “chalk it up as a learning experience.”

Teacher and Boy Believed to be on the Run

Sure - such things shouldn’t be joked about, but sometimes we can’t help ourselves. Oh, we won’t joke about it. Fine. (Call us later.) Authorities were searching on Thursday for a 13-year-old boy and a female middle school teacher believed to be on the run after police began investigating an alleged intimate relationship between the pair.