Kids Hate Clowns

It’s official. In a survey taken across the pond, researchers found that “clowns are universally disliked by children. Some (children) found them quite frightening and unknowable.” This, of course, is good news for dads who have been trying desperately to convince their wives that strippers would make a better option for their kids’ birthday parties.

Seriously, with Elmo, Barney, the Teletubbies (talk about scary!) and any number of other over-commercialized characters for kids to feast on, who needs clowns anyway? Back in the day, clowns had a monopoly on kids entertainment. Those days are long gone, however. Clowns are as done as Britney Spears. Their days are over. Time to take off the face paint and cry real tears, Bozo.

Great, But Where’s the Weed?

Oh, those crazy Canadians! Kudos to a dad who caught his kid smoking weed and punished him by selling the kid’s Christmas present on eBay. Yes, the little 15-year old criminal was going to get Guitar Hero III, but such plans went up in a puff of…well, you know. Dad, being the resourceful Cannuck that he is - sold the $90 game for (wait for it…wait for it)…$9,000! That’s a profit of…a lot!

The kid will learn his lesson, no doubt, and avoid smoking weed at home from now on. He’ll go to his friend’s house, instead. You know, the friend with the less involved, less caring dad. The house where dad might give a six-pack and carton of Marlboro Reds to his son for Christmas. You know…the house where Judd Nelson’s character from “The Breakfast Club” grew up. “Smoke up, Son!”

The Canadian dad, not to be outdone and not wanting his son to go without a present on Christmas, however, has a bit of a sense of humor: “I am still considering getting him a game for his Nintendo. Maybe something like Barbie as the Island Princess or Dancing with the Stars … I know he will just love them,” the father said, tongue-in-cheek. (And potentially baked out of his mind. No mention of what happened to the weed.)

Coming soon to the headlines of Montrea - Son Kills Father in Christmas Pot Massacre.

I Don’t Do Drugs, But…

Now, I can get the experience - thanks to new Hershey mints! That’s right the venerable chocolate company has issued its new mint in packaging that resembles cocaine (or heroine, if you so desire). I’m just all giddy with excitement. Not only will I get the rush of feeling like I’m carrying around some coke, but I’ll have fresh breath while doing it! Doesn’t get much better than that.

Not to be an A*hole…

But it’s posts like this one that made us create Dads on Fire in the first place. ” 30 Tips for New Dads: Being the Best Father You Can Be Before, During, and After Delivery”??? I figure these tips must be things like “The first night home isn’t called ‘Hell Night’ for nothing,” “You’re going to be invisible - deal with it,” “Hormones suck ass and will make you want to kill yourself and your wife and maybe consider burning down the house too.”

I really wasn’t expecting the list of yawners that continue to sugarcoat the reality that being an expectant parent and then a new parent isn’t all peaches  & cream. I’m afraid once again it appears that expectant and new dads must be real idiots - or such lists wouldn’t necessarily be possible. (Besides, if you really read the list closely aren’t like 1o of them the same?)

I don’t mean to get all cynical, but why are we so afraid to tell the truth? Why are we so afraid to say that the first few months (or more) can and will royally suck? Why can’t we just admit to the fact that pretty much EVERY parent goes through a period of “Oh F*CK! We made the biggest F*CKING MISTAKE of our F*CKING lives!”?

Yes, ultimately, G-d willing for everyone - it turns around and it starts to get pretty cool. But, even when it’s good you’re going to have feelings of “Damn, I just wish for a weekend, a day, okay an hour (no reason to get greedy) - I could experience that other life before true commitment kicked in.”

You know how when you graduated high school and were heading off to college and talked about how you couldn’t wait to get into the “real world” (because you had absolutely no understanding of the fact that college is further from the real world than just about any other time in your life)? And, as a result, you now sometimes pine away wishing you could go back to college knowing what you know now?

Well, in a way - parenting is similar. Before we had kids - none of us had any real idea what pressure, responsibility and commitment were really all about. Don’t give me tips about “the lovely foot rub,” or to “take an interest.” Obviously, it’s important to “share the good news.” (Anyone had any success keeping their new kid a secret from family and friends.)

You want a couple of REAL tips (in addition to the few I mentioned above) - here ya go:

1) Tell everyone the due date is two or three weeks later than it actually is. That way - you avoid the annoying daily calls from people asking if “today is/was the day.” (Heaven forbid if you don’t call right back - they’ll fill your voicemail.)

2) Don’t every use the phrase, “We’re pregnant!” That’s just not the case. She is. And, yes, I know you feel pretty stoked about the fact that you don’t have to carry that thing around. (I call bullsh*t on anyone who truly believes, “Oh honey, I wish I could carry the baby so you wouldn’t have to suffer.)

3) Forget about work/life balance. It’s not going to come right away. It may never come. The scales will almost always be tipped one way or another. There are times you’re going to wish you could spend more time with the kid and there are times you’re going to love having to work late. Just the reality and way it is.

So, now comes the part where I have to say that despite the tone of this post - I truly dig being a dad and being Dad. And, I also don’t mean any disrespect to the author of said post. (Truth is - he sent it to me for my looksie and offered the suggestion that I share it with my readers. I’m doing just that.) I’m just not so scared to admit to the realities of it. Buy the book. You’ll see.

How Badly Do Long Airport Layovers Suck?

Four and a half hours - that’s how long my layover is. Four and a half hours in an airport. Just sitting. Yes, I have Internet access and I even managed to find one of the elusive power outlets, but just the same - long airport layovers are high on the list of personal hell. The good news is - I get to do it again on the way back. So, how badly do you hate long layovers and where do they land (oooh, a pun) on your list of personal hell? Read more

Wait? Doesn’t That Make ME a Loser, Too?

While sitting at the…ummm…ballet on the boys weekend, I couldn’t help but think that the older guys (talking 50s and up) who were throwing dollar bills up on the stage seemed kind of pathetic. Then, it dawned on me that if I think they are losers - there must be a 20-year old in this place that thinks I’m equally lame.

So, is it time to hang up my strip club-going ways. I only go to such places once a year on the boys weekend. But, do I really need to throw down for $5 cokes while watching a bunch of naked chick for whom I have truly no interest? (This wasn’t Vegas, after all.)

“But, she was so nice to me!” Duh.

Seriously, I think it may be time to retire from the strip clubs. I was talking to one of my friends and he said, too bad we’re not hanging by the pool smoking cigars and just chatting up anyone at the bar. Yes! That would have been better. (And quieter. And without that guy yelling, “Candy, next up on the main stage, Candy!”)

I have a year to decide if this is gonna stick, but for now…I think I’m done.

Southwest Airlines No Longer Family Friendly

Southwest Airlines has changed its boarding policy - and in doing so has sealed its fate as friend to the business traveler, but not so much to families. In a move to make the crazy line-up a bit less harried, the airline has married it’s old numbering system (boarding in groups of 30) with the now-famed letters.

So, what’s the problem? Families traveling with young children will no longer have the opportunity to pre-board. They will know board between the A and B groups. So, what happens? That’s right - all of the isle and window seats are taken (or most, anyway) and it’s impossible to get seats together as a family.

This, of course, sucks if you have a kid that’s under three, four or five and can’t understand why mom or dad isn’t sitting with you. The previous system was definitely flawed and I applaud Southwest for trying to eliminate the hour-long, silly line-up. However, although there is no doubt that the airlines likely spent millions on feasibility studies, Southwest has definitely made a bad situation worse and will probably lose a great deal of family travel (and money). My family, for one, is officially done with Southwest.

Toy Contains Date-Rape Drug

A toy. For kids. Turns out when it’s ingested - converts into a powerful date-rape drug. Normally, this would be in the “News & Reviews” section, but that’s taken up by a story about what? Oh, right - a toy recall.

In what may be the most shocking toy recall in toy industry history (as far as I’m concerned) - the popular Aqua Dots toy line has been recalled because if the small dots are ingested…well, “the compound - made from common and easily available ingredients - can induce unconsciousness, seizures, drowsiness, coma and death.” Oh. Is that all?

Suddenly lead poisoning and choking hazards seem like a walk in the park. Can’t wait for Ecstasy Elmo to hit the streets! That’s right - just have your child suck on his left hand and he’ll stop hitting the dog! He’ll just feel love, love, love!

Sorry, but this is effing unbelievable. What’s even more amazing is that this particular toy has been receiving raves and was thought to be the toast of the holiday season. Well, now we know why. (And, FINALLY understand why all those dudes on “To Catch a Predator” were bringing these Aqua Dots to their “dates” instead of booze. It all makes sense now.) Unreal.

Do You Care if Athletes Juice?

Are shrunken balls worth the money? The steroid questions just won’t go away - so, here’s the only one that matters: Do you give a flying eff if athletes juice? Is it all that surprising that world-class athletes want to give themselves some kind of leg up given all the money that’s tossed at them for running faster, hitting further or throwing faster?

Read more

Effing Christmas Music! Already?

“Oh sh*t. Christmas music?” That was the reaction the woman sitting across from me had when “Deck the Halls” was piped in over the Barnes & Noble speakers. I have to agree. It does seem slightly early. Don’t get me wrong - I’m all for the stuff when the time is right, but let’s recover from our turkey hangovers before we start worrying about St. Nick. And, if any holiday music is gonna be played - it should be Chanukkah music. The Festival of Lights starts in a few week. Adam Sandler anyone? (Is it me or does this Santa look a little like Wank’s Jesus?)

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