Dads on Fire 18: A Year in Review

The best of the year, the worst of the year, good kids, bad kids, resolutions, mom’s night out, paying for sex, non-sequitors, Roderer Champagne

It’s our last show of the year and we drank way too much champagne. So, in a room full of moms, we venture a bit off topic. We really meant to talk all about the year in review. Did we? Well, a little. Mostly, though, we ended up talking about whether or not sex is expected if a dude spends a crap load of money on a date. We’re talking crap load here, people. Don’t know how it happened, but it did.

Melissa hit the street. We spoke with our relationship expert, Elizabeth, who set us straight. She basically told Todd to shut the hell up. (Like that’s some kind of a change). Elizabeth also spoke with Wank’s friend and Dads on Fire correspondent, Gunner (the former adulterer). Elizabeth is smart.

So, here’s what we learned. Champagne affects the show dramatically.

Dads on Fire 19: In January!

We’re taking a couple of weeks off to go to Hawaii and not go to Hawaii. Have fun Wank. We’ll be home by ourselves waiting for your return.

Great, But Where’s the Weed?

Oh, those crazy Canadians! Kudos to a dad who caught his kid smoking weed and punished him by selling the kid’s Christmas present on eBay. Yes, the little 15-year old criminal was going to get Guitar Hero III, but such plans went up in a puff of…well, you know. Dad, being the resourceful Cannuck that he is - sold the $90 game for (wait for it…wait for it)…$9,000! That’s a profit of…a lot!

The kid will learn his lesson, no doubt, and avoid smoking weed at home from now on. He’ll go to his friend’s house, instead. You know, the friend with the less involved, less caring dad. The house where dad might give a six-pack and carton of Marlboro Reds to his son for Christmas. You know…the house where Judd Nelson’s character from “The Breakfast Club” grew up. “Smoke up, Son!”

The Canadian dad, not to be outdone and not wanting his son to go without a present on Christmas, however, has a bit of a sense of humor: “I am still considering getting him a game for his Nintendo. Maybe something like Barbie as the Island Princess or Dancing with the Stars … I know he will just love them,” the father said, tongue-in-cheek. (And potentially baked out of his mind. No mention of what happened to the weed.)

Coming soon to the headlines of Montrea - Son Kills Father in Christmas Pot Massacre.

A Bunch of Rich Guys Did Drugs

I’m trying to figure out if I should really give a shite about “The Mitchell Report.” A bunch of professional athletes took performance-enhancing drugs to help them…well, perform. There weren’t any real surprises in the report (if you’re surprised that Roger Clemens was mentioned so many times - you’re either blind, blissful ignorant, or even a racist).

I gave up on sports as anything more than diversion and entertainment a long, LONG time ago. Not that I’m jaded, I just came to realize that the actual athletes don’t care for me personally - so, why should I give them such love. Entertain me. Make me go “WOW!” from time to time. But, I’m certainly not losing any sleep over a team loss or anything like that.

So, back to the report, then. Who cares? Is it that kids will clamor to use them because “their heroes” do? That’s not about the pros or the kids. That’s about the parents. Yeah, there’s a ton of money at stake. But, do we REALLY need to spend THIS much time talking about it? Do we really need 100 straight hours of broadcast coverage to “dissect” the report. Please. Should Bug Selig be forced to resign? Yes, but that’s not gonna happen either.

Frankly, I don’t have any more respect for a 300-win pitcher who didn’t juice vs. a guy like Clemens. They still need to perform. If the pros want to die young and shrink their nuts into baby walnuts…go for it. The league, the players, the networks and even the fans - we’re all at fault. We love to pay for records being broken.

Dads on Fire 18: A Year in Review

Join us for the event of the year.  It’s our year in review blowout.  What’s the best and worst of what your kids did to you last year? And what do you hope for next year? (ps. You can’t just hope for oral sex; you might wanna be extra nice to your partner once in a while).

We’ll be at Tam Cellars in Larkspur Landing at 7pm, Monday December 17th.  Come join us for the best of Dads on Fire 07, a little bitching and moaning, and some good wine.

Dads on Fire 17: Holiday Travel

Travel hell, where in the world is Todd, Tips for surviving vacation with the whole family (the mother in law, especially), Mel on the street, having sex in a hotel room you share with the kids.

We might have to redefine the word vacation (at least until the kids go off to college). Your two year old runs you ragged and you are more exhausted than when you left for “vacation”. And until they’re old enough to sleep in a separate room, you can forget about that crazy vacation sex you used to know and love. But just do it. Not the sex; bring the kids no matter how old they are. You’ll be glad you did (much better than leaving them at home by themselves with a cat feeder and a hamster water bottle).

Todd joins us from his little work vacation in Memphis (it’s good to sleep, but such a bummer to be away from the fam after a few days). Mel takes us out on the street to hear about people’s nightmare family vacations. And Wank; he just happens to have the coolest in-laws around. And he’s not just saying that because he’s about to embark on a 7 day Hawaii family vacation with them. Happy travels, everyone. We hope you make it all the way to Wally World.

An Open Letter to Holiday Drivers

First, let me say that I know the holidays are stressful. Beyond the obvious anxiety that comes with the financial burden of getting gifts for friends, family and people you hardly know or like (co-workers), there are issues of travel, meeting end-of-year numbers (if applicable), going to endless holiday parties (many of which are attended by said people you hardly know or like) and, of course, the many emotions that accompany this time of year. So, you’re stressed. I get it. We all are.

It’s with this understanding and sympathy that I offer the following suggestion: Learn how to f***ing drive. I’m not talking about driving on the freeways or highways (whatever they’re called in your parts), but instead am specifically referencing the mall/shopping center parking lot.

I spend a great deal of time in shopping centers, as the local Starbucks and bookstores rotate as my “office.” That’s where the wireless is; that’s where I am. Consider me a local. I’m there every single day. During this holiday time – you’re taking my parking space. You’re interrupting my workday. And, you’re generally causing problems.

So, a few tips:

Parking: For starters, please don’t park your Hummers in the compact spaces. I have both a small car and an SUV (though a small SUV) and I don’t park the SUV in the tiny spaces. Not only do you risk getting your own car scratched – you risk scratching mine. And, during the holidays, when we have our arms loaded with packages, it’s a royal pain in the ass to not be able to get into our cars. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t have ANY problem with big ol’ gas guzzling SUVs. I just have a problem with how most of the owners of said SUVs park.

Waiting: We’ve all be in those long lines of stopped cars as the first car in the cue waits for another pull into a soon-to-be-vacated space. We all hate being in that line and are envious of the dude that found the spot. So, there’s really no reason to honk, throw your hands up in frustration or pound the steering wheel. Your space isn’t going to open any faster. And, don’t drive around the line and make everyone wait longer as you either, A) cause an accident or B) force the car backing out of the space to wait for you to pass.

Leaving a space: This is the mother-of-all parking faux pas. It’s a bad one anytime, but is particularly bad during the holidays. When you walk back to your car, load up the packages, climb into the front seat and start your engine – for the love of God…LEAVE! If one more freaking person gets in his/her (sorry, but mostly her in my experience) car and just sits there while a line of cars waits (with horns-a-honking), I reserve the right to key her hood with the words, “I was a bad holiday parking lot driver.” (Most likely to an ovation of flashing lights and applause.)

This last one really is the equivalent of a capital offense. Every driver is on edge. Patience tested in every which way. We finally feel like there’s a spot available and this woman (with some kind of hair-helmet and usually driving a white Camry, low-end Lexus or the like) decides this is the time to get on the phone. Are you kidding me?

I can almost forgive the big SUV parking a*hole (after all, I can just put the packages in the back) and the idiots in the cue (that’s just impatience getting the best of us), but sitting in your idling car as hundreds of cars vie for your spot is inexcusable. Anyone who does this should have their parking privileges revoked and maybe even driver’s license suspended.

And…don’t even get me started when all of this is going on with the kid in the car.

Worst. Movie. Ever.

I love the Coen Brothers. The Big Lebowski. The Man Who Wasn’t There. Fargo. Hudsucker Proxy. O’ Brother Where Art There. Raising Arizona. These are classics. But, their latest movie, No Country for Old Men sucks ass. I want my money back, but the two hours of time I wasted sitting through the thing. Oh, and I’m thinking of suing all the critics that raved about it.

I thought I was going to see a suspenseful film with a surprise ending. Instead, my wife and I wasted our night out on a bloody stupid film that was simply a drug deal gone wrong. The critics, though, they rave about the true meaning of the film. They go on and on about the symbolism of the “non-ending” ending that represents the fact that there are no clean endings in life. Oh blow me. If you have to look that deeply for meaning…there isn’t any.

This movie is a pile of crap and I got trapped under it.

Dads on Fire Interviews 01: A.J. Jacobs

Just in time for the holidays - a book about religion. But, it’s certainly not your typical religion book.

A.J. Jacobs’ book, The Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible, is a thought-provoking memoir about A.J.’s year of spiritual enlightenment.

Raised Jewish (”The way Olive Garden is Italian,” he says), A.J.’s role as new father had him wondering about the importance of religion in his son’s life. He wondered if maybe there was something more to religion than he had experienced (just like - as we all know - there’s WAY more to Italian food than Olive Garden). So, he did what we would all do (NOT!), he decided to “live the Bible” for a year: No shaving, flowing robes, no swearing and stoning adulterers…for starters.

We interviewed him. Just like his book, the interview was fun, thought-provoking and leaves you wanting more A.J. (And, for that…you can check out Esquire Magazine, for whom he writes.) By the way - the book is outselling even the Bible on Amazon. It’s gotta be good.

(That’s a real beard, by the way. Coming soon, Dads on Fire Interviews 02: A.J. Jacobs’ Wife, Julie - the most tolerable wife on earth.)

For Some, Marriage Kills. And Others?

Believe it or not - marriage saved a Jackson, Mississippi man’s life. We’ll, maybe not the marriage (that remains to be seen), but his ring, at least. Donnie Register was shot while his store was being robbed. Apparently, summoning all of his “Wonder Woman” powers, the man used his wedding ring to deflect a bullet that was flying toward his head and most certainly would have killed him.

The story, which has been discussed and posted on blogs all over the Web, seems to have a happy ending. But, nobody has bothered to find out if Mr. Register is happy to still be alive and married. We’ll assume he is. We’re just saying…

By the way - according to another site, titanium is the best ring to be deflecting bullets. So, if you’re married and feel there’s a good chance you might get shot, think about a titanium ring.

« Previous Page — Next Page »